First Days

First days have always been something that have filled me with emotions. My first day attending a school, first day at a new job, and my first day as a husband were all things that filled me with excitement, nervous energy, fear and joy. And today is the first day that the Supreme Court could rule on DOMA and the California’s Proposition 8… that fills me with a lot of emotion as well (e.g., hope, fear, excitement for social change, etc.). I could easily write more on that – like everyone else in cyberspace is doing today – but I think not.

Today is the first that my youngest attends a real day camp; a camp that is not run by a preschool. He’s a kindergartner now and he will finally get to go on all the field trips and adventures that his older brother has been telling him about. His excitement last night was amazing. I listened as he detailed – with the remaining baby-talk-like voice he still has – all of the adventures that he can’t wait for.

And while I saw my little “E” filled with excitement and anticipation, I also saw that glimmer of fear. He looks to be just slightly afraid of the new unknown things he is going to encounter. Sure, his brother has survived them, and I know that he will be okay, but a five-year-old cannot use that type of rationalization.

I began to try and address that fear with “E”, but just as I started to tell him that it was okay to be a little afraid and that at least he knew his counselors well, I stopped short. I don’t want him to not be afraid. No, the best part of all of the firsts that I experienced was the how the fear ended up amplifying how the joy felt when I survived the experience. To know extreme happiness I had to experience some severe fear

So now, in some sort of twisted way, I’m enjoying his fear. He’s more excited than anything else… I’m not cruel. I told him how excited I am to hear about his first day, and that I know he’ll have a great time. And with a hug and a kiss I’ll try not to worry about him too much. Although I am keeping my phone in my breast pocket just in case.